I’ve been in a bit of a funk throughout most of 2020, and in truth a good chunk of 2019 also. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has.
And as the weeks and months of 2020 sloooowly pass by, I have noticed an increasing restlessness for an end to all the things (COVID and other things) that have made 2020 so challenging. Unfortunately, I have also noticed that I’ve been trying to silence that inner restlessness with the wrong things.
For a while, getting outdoors for some mid-week fishing, weekend hikes and kayak-fests provided some much needed sanity breaks amidst the chaos of a global pandemic. These mini escapes helped me stay focused on what God was doing (instead of how agitated I was about what I wanted to do but couldn’t). But as the days grew shorter and the temperatures started dropping, long hikes and kayaking excursions were replaced by Hallmark movies, online shopping, and endless bags Fritos, cookies, pizza, or whatever I could get my hands on to fill the emptiness gnawing away at me. Can you relate?
So unless I want to go buy a whole new wardrobe and/or take out a small loan to support my 2020 addiction to fishing lures, there has to be an end to all this nonsense on my part!! And so I asked the Lord to help identify for me what ‘need’ I was really trying to fill; what ‘voice’ I was trying to silence. Loneliness? Stress? Fear?
And in that most tender of ways that only He can, He whispered to me:
“Jenny, do you love me more than these?”
Now we know from James 21:15-17 that the “these” Jesus was referring to was actually the other disciples.
But in this intimate coffee table conversation I was having with Jesus, I knew that He was not speaking to me about other people. He was inviting me to self-examine my desire for Him and His company against my desire for the things I was running to as a way to silence my inner hunger. A hunger which, by the way, only HE can fill.
My reaction is to quickly say “yes Lord, I do love you more!”
But my actions?? Well, my actions tell a different story. And the reality of that tension (the tension between wanting to profess full devotion, and knowing that I fall terribly short of living a life of full devotion) is what has been drawing me back to the coffee table with Him the last few weeks.
Knowing that something has to change.
Comforted by the truth that He never changes.
Expectant that in His presence, I can change.
Slowly. Faultingly. Perfectly Imperfectly. ❤
I would love to hear your thoughts, and how you’ve been managing your hunger pains in 2020. Drop me a comment below.